Funny helmets, disc wheels, and aerobars- oh my....
Funny helmets, disc wheels, and aerobars- oh my....
Funny helmets, disc wheels, and aerobars- oh my....

Wake up, Ed!!! My bad, I dozed off at the computer and started dreaming about a magical place where everyone was rolling around with tricked out bikes, teardrop helmets, and mucho expense aerobars. Wait! That wasn't a dream. It was the Single Bong 20K TT this past Sunday in Kansasville. Of course, there was Ed rolling around with his 8 speed equipped 1994 vintage bike. Anyone feeling sorry for me, please send your checks made out to the "Buy Ed a Cervelo P3" bike fund.

Representing the North Branch crew on this cold Sunday morning were Ed "The Locomotive" Elliott, Gustavo "Baby Got Back" Vaz da Costa. Rob They Call Me Roop" Roop" and Ed "Still Waiting for Those Donation Checks" Hernandez. People, the action was fast as the speed demons from both sides of the state line, including riders from xXx, converged on this course that circled part of the Bong Recreation Area (ha, I got "xXx" and "Bong" into the same sentence without being censored). You'd think that the Kansasville welcome wagon had been giving away $10K rides as the vast amount of tricked out aero gear seemed to rival a TdF time trial stage. Tifosi was very impressed... until they saw Ed's ride...

Ed was the first North Brancher on the course and the second rider overall. After catching his 30sec guy within the first mile, Ed became the Latino rabbit being chased by the mob. Like a pack of college students sprinting to the nearest Waffle House after a night of bar festivities, the time trialers behind Ed were relentless. The real race for Ed involved getting to the corners before the official white van dropped off marshalls at each intersection. Ed decided to take a page from David Zabriskie's book and listen to Guns 'N Roses in his head during the race. Here's a recap of that action: "Welcome to the jungle. We got fun 'n games. Dang, this pace is killing me... We got everything you want. Dang, this is only my first mile... Honey we know the names. Dang, this is no fun... We are the people that can find. This song sucks for a time trial... Whatever you may- silence. Ahh, that's better..." Ed ended up rolling through with a time of 31:24 and the strong desire to blow chunks. Ahh, that was a lot of fun...

Next up was Rob Roop with his new tricked out Jamis time trial bike. This fella showed up to do some work. He even brought his polyurethane coated shoe covers. Ahh, tifosi is impressed that I know to spell "polyurethane" without consulting the dictionary. Rob started 16th off the line and caught his 30sec guy before the half way point. The tifosi reports that he may have even given him the Lance Armstrong to Jan Ullrich look as he rode by. Unfortunately, Rob had to contend with some rider that decided to cross right in front of the finish line just before Rob rolled through to end the pain. The tifosi was impressed that Rob didn't turn the guy into a hood ornament hanging from his aerobar.

Ed Elliott has been travelling way too much for Da' Man, but did he let that keep him from joining his compatriots at the Bong- heck no! Tifosi was very impressed. Ed E. was resplendent in his full aero gear. Ed H. was drooling over the equipment. Rob and Ed H. were riding the course backwards and caught sight of Ed flying by past the halfway point. Very impressive seeing that man in action. The tifosi looks forward to future TT results for the Locomotive.

The throngs of people lining the course (okay, it was only some random family members of one of the riders) were buzzing with excitement once the word got out that none other than the King was going to lay the smack down at the Bong. Dat's right- Gustavo himself donned the TT equipment to silence critics complaining about his undivided attention to cyclocross. Gustavo didn't disappoint. While the official results are not available, this investigative reporter got a chance to interview the King himself after his time trial. Here's an excerpt of the exclusive interview.

NB Reporter: "King, you looked great out there- kinda like you were on a Sunday ride"

KOK: "Your momma dresses you funny"

NB: "King, what was your focus during the 20K ride?"

KOK: "Well, there was this one guy that passed me. He had a nice butt."

NB: "King, is that why we heard you singing 'Baby Got Back' during the final miles of the time trial?"

KOK: "No comment"

NB: "C'mon, King. 'So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin' workout tapes by Fonda"

KOK: "Stop it" [Editor: KOK begins to shake his behind slightly]

NB: "But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda"

KOK: "Quit it" [Editor: KOK is clearly dancing on the side of the course]

NB & KOK: "Baby got back!!!"

'Nuff said... Until the next report, adios!

Today's Spring Classic from Pahhkside (for you Bostonians in the crowd) felt more like a Summer Classic with temps in the 70's. That's right, finally we can read seventy, not seventeen. Hairy legs were most definitely in effect, except for a few souls (like Greg P) who were dying to use that razor that they've been coveting all winter long. Ed was fashionably displaying the shaven look only halfway up to the knee (Editors note: Ed appears to suffer from a genetic condition whereby male pattern baldness is starting to creep from the ankles up- how bizarre).

Now on to the races that took place on Sunday. RACE DAY SUNDAY! WHERE $15 BUYS YOU A SEAT BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!!! The action started with Dan "Al Gore Don't Know Nuthin' About A Melting Ice" Berg in the 40+ race, where he took a Top 10 finish last week. Alas, this week was slightly different story when the field split up and Dan was caught behind some guy riding a bike with reflectors, a banana seat, and a Honeycomb license plate (ok, the guy was just slow, but isn't it a better visual this way?). Dan had the courtesy to ride up to the official and state that he was pulling out of the race. Tifosi was impressed (Editor: Tifosi is taken to be a collective noun and therefore all references to the word will be singular. Ahem, Gus)

The Masters 30+ field featured the 2007 debut of (drumroll please) Mr. Steve Holeczy. You will remember that Steve's winning ways solidified his position as "Top Rider" award recipient at the Wildfire award gala. Ahh, the steak. Ahh, the potatoes. Ahh, the chicken. Ahh.. Oh, my bad. Let's get back to the racing action!!! Well, Steve was doing an excellent job staying in the front of the pack during the early going. This position surely would have positioned him for the sprint, but the tifosi wonders if he could have captured a sprint. Will everyone who has ever sprinted against Steve please repeat after me- HECK YEA! Tifosi apologies for the doubt. But, no ladies and gents, this man races with class, with gusto. Today, that gusto led him to join a breakaway of three with the makings of a dangerous move! Let's go to the play by play: "Here comes the finish group. It looks like there's one rider off the front who solos for the win. Here comes the drag race, folks. And there is Steve H. He is torquing that Waterford like it's nobody's business. And Steve captures the bronze!!!" Now surely the tifosi was impressed enough to award Steve the "Stud of the Day" award. Yea, the tifosi was impressed but the 3rd place alone didn't cut it. There was more to this win and inquiring minds deserve to know that Steve raced with his number pinned upside down! Not only that, but rumor has it that he also raced with a saddle bag the entire time. In fact, the mystery behind Steve's equipment choice was heightened when word spread that Steve was racing with a saddle bag, Camelback, front AND rear panniers and his Russian Mamushka hat! Unfortunately, the tifosi wasn't able to verify any of these details as Steve immediately rush off the course faster than Paris Hilton races into her Ferrari after partying at the Viper Room. Now there's a man that deserves the "Stud of the Day" award.

Now it's on to the NASCAR portion of your race day. As Cole Trickle yelled to his pit boss in "Days of Thunder"- "Just a little rubbing and rubbing is racing". Well, four wrecks in the Cat 4 field left a few riders rubbing road rash after the race. The North Branchers didn't go down in any of the wrecks but several of our warriors did get caught behind the mess. At one point, a rider to the right of Ed "Shouldn't Have Ridden 55 Miles With Skip Yesterday" Hernandez overlapped wheels with the rider in front and immediately slammed to the ground. As the rider collasped, his hand slammed against Ed's right quad at which point Ed was heard saying "Man, don't get fresh with me!". Seriously folks, the tifosi noticed that Ed looked as white as Casper the Ghost after that near miss! Unforunately, Dan B. and Mike "First, I Rocked the Junior Fields, Now It's on to the Seniors" Schalmoser (Dude, I can't remember how to spell your last name!!!) got stalled by the wipe out and weren't able to catch back on. That left North Branch represented by Mike "I did the Electric Slide as pre-race conditioning at a wedding last night" Stodden, Greg "If only my softball buddies could see me now" Poulsen, and Ed H. These guys rode well together and started to put together a blue train with 3 to go, but another wreck disrupted the Blue Train mojo. With Greg a few bike lengths back, it was up to Mike and Ed to represent and Mike sitting on Ed's wheel was a nice setup. XXX (hey Mr. Censor, I didn't choose the name for THAT team!) took control of the race with 1 to go and strung out the field. Ed was behind the winning move and went with the riders but didn't have much of a sprint since the aerodynamic drag on the hairy legs proved to be more of a hinderance than expected. Regardless, the tifosi applauds the 10th place finish for the man from G'lake. Of course, Ed did solidly capture the "What was he thinking?" award for driving back to Grayslake with the family and forgetting his indoor trainer alongside the race course.

Wow, are you still reading this race report?!?!? The tifosi is most impressed! The Cat 3 race featured the talent of the illustrious Marc Moeller who has masterfully notched more wins in this young season than any other North Branch rider. The editor wasn't present to see Marc, but Marc did provide a live interview shortly after the Cat 1/2 race? Cat 1/2? Yea' boy, Marc signed up for both the Cat 3 and 1/2 race. Very nice! Marc was still in oxygen deprevation during the phone interview, so the interview went something like this:

"Marc, how did the race go?
Aww, man, the Cat 1/2 was tough! Every lap was a struggle!
Marc, did you see my trainer?
Wow, I am still shelled after that race
Marc, my trainer?"

(Editor: We are glad to report that the trainer has been located and will be returned with the reward of a free Spanish lesson).

Marc and Steve both represented well in the Cat 1/2 race, but these fellas are taking a longer term perspective on the field. Some riders may be content notching a victory at Pahhkside, but these boys are looking towards Superweek and Downers Grove. Doubling up was the means to that end. For the double performances, both boys in blue claim the "No Pain, No Gain" award for the day.

Peace!